Wondering why you’re so jealous and insecure/paranoid in your relationships? You are not alone.
Some of us cannot really tell why we behave the way we do sometimes. However, this post will help you to find the answer to the question “why am I so jealous and insecure”? You’ll see possible reasons why you’re so jealous and feeling insecure.
The truth is, we all have a level of jealousy in us and a tendency to feel insecure in certain situations that may be peculiar to an individual. Therefore, your jealousy may still be within the ‘normal zone’, depending on several factors that we’ll shortly be considering.
So, many factors can be responsible for Jealousy and insecurity in our lives. But, most importantly, our motive behind this feeling would justify or criticize us. The reasons for jealousy define whether it’s positive or negative.
So, next time, instead of asking yourself ‘’why am I so jealous and insecure?’’ you should rather say, what is the motive behind these feelings?
You could be jealous and not feel insecure. The fear of being left out or abandoned because you feel you aren’t good enough, feeling of inadequacy, uncertainty, doubts about your self-worth, low self-esteem, and the likes, results in insecurities in relationships.
But, you don’t necessarily have to feel this way about yourself when you’re only being jealous! So, whenever the question ‘’why am i so jealous and paranoid?’’ pops up in your mind, do make sure it isn’t as a result of any of the above feelings.
There is what is called romantic jealousy. This is what you feel for your partner, especially when you see him/her with the opposite gender. This isn’t so bad. It’s normal. Everyone feels jealous when their lover is in the equation.
This romantic jealousy can warn you of relationship threats that can instigate practices that would protect your relationship.
This kind of jealousy is central to the relationship development goals of partner retention. So, most of the time, it is positive and not negative. It is a complicated emotion, because, most times we get our feelings misinterpreted!
And, this is why communication is the key to every successful relationship. You have to communicate your concerns and fears about your partners’ actions or behaviors to them. It helps to strengthen the bond you share and it also depicts value.
So, when next that question pops up ‘’why am I so jealous and insecure?’’, just have it at the back of your mind that you’re only trying to protect your relationship. Although, this can be taken over-board, thereby causing issues for your relationship, if not handled with maturity.
Even Animals Can Be Jealous
Do you know that animals also get jealous? (Smiles). Yes, they do!
Research shows that animals demonstrate an act of jealousy. In 2014, researchers at the University of California, San Diego learned that dogs showed jealousy when their owners communicate with a fake dog (treating it as if it were real and playing with it).
One-third of the dogs tried to separate their owners from the fake dog, and one-fourth of them went ahead and snapped at the fake dog.
Jealousy in coppery titi male monkeys was also discovered. They were found to be hostile, came in between their mates and prospective rivals, and periodically physically restrain their mates to protect them from approaching intruder males.
I mean, if animals could show such a level of emotions and characteristics towards themselves and towards their owners, it tells us that no one on planet earth is innocent.
So, you don’t have to be sad, neither should you feel disappointed with yourself for having to find an answer to why am I so jealous and insecure question that keeps probing your mind. You should be more concerned with the reason for feeling that way.
Related Post: How To Behave Mature In A Relationship
Jealousy and Insecurity in Relationships
Jealousy and insecurity in relationships are evident when there is an abundant charm, lying to cover up insecurity, in dire need to win over your friends and family almost immediately!
Another sign of jealousy and insecurity is when you keep flooding your partner with excessive test messages and calls within a short period; displaying compulsive behaviors, demanding they get serious immediately!
Consistent display of anger whenever he/she speak with the opposite sex, jealousy of friends that is, resenting the quality time your partner gives to their friends and family, and when you’re constantly fond of accusing your partner of infidelity; could be signs of insecurity in relationship.
Jealousy and insecurity in relationships are also conspicuous when you often show up uninvited at your partner’s apartment, office, or school unannounced, demanding that he/she should always and only spend time with you, thereby making them emotionally and mentally dependant.
Another indication of jealousy and insecurity is when you make your partner feel bad and accountable for your negative attitude, always holding them responsible for your problems, pushing the blame on him/her. More so, consistent emotional manipulation and overreaction at little misconstruing are signals to negative jealousy and insecurity in relationships.
As a single lady, it could be a sign of insecurity when you casually sleep with a man to keep him, simply because you think it is needed to make him remain committed to you.
You may be overly jealous and feeling insecure if it becomes an issue when your partner doesn’t answer your text immediately, or if he/she missed your call.
Being over-protective and controlling are also indicators of unhealthy jealousy in a relationship.
All of these manifestations of jealousy and insecurity can ruin relationships.
Jealousy In A Relationship Is Most Often An Indication of These Things
In reality, nothing happens without a reason. Even though we sometimes behave in ways we can’t explain, those behaviors are a result of a subconscious memory from an experience or thought pattern.
It is, therefore, necessary to diagnose the reasons behind jealousy and insecurity in a relationship properly, to know how to deal with them.
Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of the following.
1. Past Experiences and Failure
Do you know that jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of past relationship experiences and failures? For instance, If your ex or current partner has cheated on you, you would no longer be at ease with the opposite sex coming close to your partner! Or you may become over-protective.
The very thought of history repeating itself scares the hell out of you, thereby making you feel so insecure! It makes you judge his/her every move! Your partner would have no breathing space!
2. Low Self-esteem
Jealousy in a relationship could also be a result of low self-esteem. You say to yourself “I’m not good enough”. This mindset could be a result of the trauma you went through as a child, who suffered from bullying or other emotionally destabilizing events.
It could also result from childhood abuse from parents, past relationships, not being satisfied with your looks or color, and body deformity, that is, being physically challenged.
Low self-esteem would lead to unhealthy jealousy, because, whenever you see your partner with the opposite sex that has all the features you believe you lack, you get so uneasy and begin to imagine what is not, ‘’what if he/she leaves me for this person?”
This level of jealousy, drives jealous partners into taking unreasonable decisions that lead to regrets and pains, which makes them keep throwing the question “why am I so jealous and insecure?’’
3. Suspected Partner
Sometimes, it’s not your fault that you’re feeling so jealous and insecure.
Perhaps your partner has missed the line on some occasions and has been found unfaithful. This made you begin to tip-toe on them, suspecting every of their move.
This isn’t bad on its own, especially when you need to preserve your relationship. However, you cannot continue to ‘police’ your partner all your life. You have to decide to trust him/her irrespective of their past errors. If that’s difficult for you to do, then you may have to reconsider if you really want the relationship.
But, with the indications, we listed above, we believe you must have been able to trace your steps and discover the reason why you’re having that feeling of jealousy and inferiority.
There is a saying which states that a problem recognized is a problem that is half solved.
So, now that we have been able to identify most of the reasons for jealousy, let us look at how to stop being jealous.
Related Post: Indications It’s Time To Let Go Of The Relationship
How to Stop Being Jealous and Controlling
We have discussed the reason for this question, why am I so jealous and insecure?
Jealousy is based on the insecurity of the person feeling that emotion. But, do you also know that insecurity isn’t always the reason for jealousy?
Of a truth, humans cannot exist without being jealous: that is, it is impossible to live without any form or iota of jealousy within us.
Your motive for being jealous goes a long way. Being jealous when something or someone tries to endanger a personal and important relationship isn’t harmful. It is fine and normal for you to feel that way! If you don’t feel threatened, it means, that relationship isn’t special to you!
Jealousy may surface when the relationship with your parents, siblings, friends, or lover is being threatened. For instance, when you noticed that all the attention you enjoyed from your lover is being directed to something or someone else! It could be towards their job or someone in their office.
Just as we have stated above, it could also be an expression of love. You know what I mean. But, you need to have it under control, in other for you and your partner to be happy.
This is what we call healthy jealousy! In other words, you protect what you value.
However, nothing ruins relationships like jealousy and insecurity.
The following are ways on how to stop being jealous and controlling
1. Overcome Insecurity
Yes! Insecurity is the number one reason for jealousy. And, one of the ways to conquer controlling, extreme, and unhealthy jealousy is to overcome your insecurities. And the first step to overcoming your insecurity is by identifying the reasons behind it, which we have done above.
Study them critically and if yours wasn’t mentioned, sit down and look deeply within you, take a pen and a notepad, ask yourself some honest questions and answer them accordingly. I wrote a whole post for you that will help overcome insecurity in relationships.
The answer is right there staring at you, I believe you know what to do next; you wouldn’t want to spend the rest of your life feeling so insecure.
Being insecure could cost you your relationship; deal with it, once you have identified the root cause, cut it down! If it is fear from your past relationship, you need to let it go completely, that is why it is in the past, and embrace the future with courage and positivity!
Yes, lack of communication is not only one of the reasons for jealousy but also a major determinant of the success or failure of a relationship or marriage.
Learn to communicate with your partner, friends, and loved ones consistently. Lack of communication leads to misunderstanding, and once this sets in, you are limited to the vague knowledge you have.
Assumptions due to lack of communication can lead to being controlling and jealous. You have to voice your concerns. The worst distance between two partners is a lack of communication.
Most times, if we can just sit our partners down and have a heart-to-heart discussion; there may be no need for that feeling of jealousy or insecurity.
Love and attention are something we desire and appreciate from our family and friends.
But, when we don’t appreciate ourselves how do we trust the love we get from our loved ones?
As a guy/lady, if you see yourself as unattractive, no matter the appraisal you get from your partner and loved ones, you won’t feel beautiful, because you don’t believe it, yourself.
Self-love is a necessity. You need to appreciate yourself, your body, your life, your personality, and your strengths. Desist from the habit of comparing yourself to others, and explore the uniqueness of being YOU!
Simply be happy with who you are. See the beauty within, and always remember that you aren’t limited to your physique. Pamper yourself and remain positive. Only then will you feel adequate and un-controlling and filled with healthy self-esteem, which would deter you from every form of jealousy and insecurity.
4. Determine The Source of Your Jealousy
The only way to cure a particular disease is to know the source or type of disease it is. The same thing applies to our emotions and actions; you need to know why you’re so controlling or jealous.
It could be you; it could be your partner. Recognizing and admitting it is a huge accomplishment. Mind you, don’t be quick to conclude it’s your partner’s. Admit the fault where you’re wrong.
By getting to the root of what’s driving your jealousy, you would be able to find a precise solution.
5. Trust Yourself
Sometimes, you can be jealous and controlling because you don’t even trust yourself.
Trust is the key. When you are trustworthy, you wouldn’t be insecure, because it is expected of your partner to act likewise.
And when I mean trust, I am referring to self-sufficiency, being adequate, being valuable! When you invest so much in adding value to yourself in all spheres of life, you would be confident in yourself, and wouldn’t feel insufficient by nursing the idea of your partner walking out on you!
And when you do, you should focus on investing in one another; by so doing there would be no cause for jealousy or control. No one wants to have anything to do with a loser or a failure! So, investing in you is the deal-breaker!
Be so productive and worthy to the point that you wouldn’t have the time or energy to control your partner. If you feel they want to go, let them go! You should be with someone who values you, genuinely loves you, and want to be with you!
Related Post: Fixing Relationship Challenges Maturely
How to Deal With Insecurities in a Relationship
There are lots of factors responsible for Insecurities in relationships that we have previously discussed. And for you to have goggled why am I so jealous and insecure? It only means one thing; you must be faced with one or more of the listed characteristics.
Now that you have been able to detect the reason for feeling this way, the next question is how to get out of this?
Below are ways on how to deal with insecurities in a relationship.
1. Desist From Comparison
Never compare your current relationship with the past ones just because they brought memories from the past!
Many of us are guilty of this, your ex was unfaithful, so, you begin to nurse that feeling, and at any little provocation, probably when you find your partner holding hands with the opposite sex, your blood pressure rises, you get so uncomfortable and insecure!
Calm down, you need to deal with this and let it go, if not, it would continue to direct the way you feel and act. We have different sides to comparison, your ex was probably a better giver, or there is a particular way he treats you, treats your family, etcetera.
Then you begin to compare your spending or giving habits of your partner to your ex, if you feel his/her actions are below your expectations, you begin to feel insecure and sad. You need to stop comparing and be contented, but if you feel you can’t the only option left is to walk out of that relationship.
We’re all wired differently, from different backgrounds, with different values. Therefore respect your partner as an individual entity who is unique.
2. Be Positive
You must have heard that your dominant thought happens to be your experience. It is, therefore, necessary to saturate your mind with positive thoughts alone. Don’t continue to visualize what is not.
Let the past remain where it is! Focus on the present and what the future has to offer you. Your priority should be how to make your relationship stronger not abhorring fears of the unknown.
I’m not saying you should ignore the “red flags” if they show up, of course not! But, don’t be so worried about everything that you become so controlling and suffocating. Remain positive and act around what you want.
3. Accept Who You Are
Oftentimes, low self-esteem leads to insecurity in a relationship, that feeling of inadequacy, and dislike for your body, ability, or family. That feeling of “Oh, I’m so fat! Why can’t I be so eloquent or smart like my partner’s colleague or friend? Oh, how I wish I could be like my friend, Jane. I can’t stand my face in the mirror!
Being obsessed with the idea that you aren’t good enough would lead to insecurity in your relationship. Instead, be occupied with being an improved version of who you are.
4. Build Intimacy
Intimacy builds trust which wades off insecurity! You and your partner cannot be intimate friends and still feel insecure in your relationship.
You must deliberately and consciously invest in building a deep level of intimacy with him/her.
This can be achieved in various ways:
- Get close to members of their family: Be familiar with the most important people in your partner’s life, parents, siblings, and friends. This helps to build trust and strengthens commitment. It also gives you both a level of security.
- Also, spend quality time together. Quality time invested in a relationship builds intimacy and helping you deal with insecurities in your relationship.
Make sure you create time to be with each other no matter how busy you are. Discuss issues going on in and around you. Talk about your individual goals and achievements, and how you want to help each other achieve them.
Talk about the future; make sure there is a place for alignment, this gives direction and purpose to your relationship which eliminates insecurity!
5. Don’t Expect Perfection
You’re a work in progress, your partner won’t expect perfection from you, and they would give room to accommodate your excesses. So, don’t be discouraged.
You mustn’t. But, you should always understand that you are human; and you should focus on living a life that is better than yesterday.
Jealousy and insecurity in any form of relationship are majorly about low self-esteem amidst others. When you lack confidence, you feel entitled to having your partner’s absolute attention, which could make you overly jealous or controlling.
And one of the biggest ways to overcome this is for you to be confident in yourself, and be pleased with who you are.