Perhaps you’re wondering, “Why do we constantly fight “? or “Why do we always fight but we love each other ?”. Well, fighting is not entirely wrong in a relationship; and constant fighting in a relationship can be avoided.
Nothing is impossible if we are ready to work at it. You can enjoy a fight-free relationship if you’ll find out what it takes to enjoy a peaceful relationship and take responsibility.
If you always experience constant fights in your relationship and you’re reading this, then, you’re a step closer to enjoying a peaceful and highly romantic relationship.
However, conflict is indispensable in any relationship. This is because couples process their thoughts differently, and do not react to issues the same way.
Experts agreed that conflict can sometimes be healthy for a relationship. It is viewed as a period whereby couples have the opportunity to learn about each other to enhance a better relationship which can also help draw lovers closer to themselves.
As normal as it may be to experience conflict in a relationship, it is important that they are well managed. So, if you’re wondering why “We always fight but we love each other”, it is time to learn the rudiments of managing arguments and avoid constant fighting in a relationship.
Fighting In Early Stages Of Relationship. Is It Normal?
Many new couples are disturbed and they keep questioning themselves ” why do we argue so much”. One sad reality is that it will not be all rosy in a relationship. There will be times that you will disagree on an issue which will eventually lead to an argument.
Fighting in the early stages of a relationship will help you to know how strong your foundation is.
Surviving fighting in the early stages of a relationship is proof of your level of maturity, endurance, and flexibility.
Many relationships have fallen apart at their first fight or second disagreement, it only reveals their level of understanding in handling conflict in a relationship.
Constant fighting in a relationship at the early stages can be normal because you’re just beginning to know one another.
Though it always comes with its unpalatable experience and unpleasant feelings, sometimes it keeps you wondering if there’s a future in the relationship. But, it is good to note that fighting does not mean you don’t love each other.
It is, therefore, necessary that you discuss with your partner to resolve the matter and arrive at a reasonable conclusion. While resolving any matter, try to understand your partner’s need and the reason for agitation. It is not the time to point accusing fingers at each other.
There is a way conflict changes the dynamics of a relationship. Everyone is more careful not to annoy the other person. It is therefore important that you resolve issues as quickly as they show up. Couples need to learn how much arguing is normal in a relationship to promote an atmosphere of love at all times.
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Why Do People Argue In Relationships
Couples disagree and argue concerning many life issues, due to different factors like background, exposure, personality differences and so much more.
Actually, no two humans behave the same w. In fact, the way it was designed is that the opposite attract. Even Psychologists have proven this to be the case.
Therefore, there’s a tendency for friction once in a while. Arguing can’t be eradicated but couples should learn how to stop arguing over small things.
Let’s consider some reasons why people argue
1. Sex / Sex -Related Issues
In most marriages, sex has become a reason for serious bone of contention. Sexual drive differs in marriage, one of the partners can have a higher sexual drive than the other.
Conflict can also start when one partner initiates sex frequently and is always declined. Many have become critical about this action in relationships and drawn away from their partner.
If your partner is declining to have sex, the best thing to do is look for the root cause of the matter. Try to understand them, there could be underlying issues.
Learn to work things out together and seek help from a professional counselor.
2. Insufficient Attention and Affection
At the onset of the relationship, both couples are always into each other. The world revolves around them. But, as time goes on, partners begin to take each other for granted.
One of them may choose to spend time with friends or decide to be alone often. Also, one of them may begin to feel insignificant that their partner’s phone or work receives more attention than they do.
An argument may erupt when one of them feels he/ she does not receive enough attention and affection.
Therefore, it is important, that, couples intentionally plan to give due attention and affection to each other.
Planning a weekly date will also keep the romance alive in a relationship and endeavor to speak each other’s love language often.
Gratitude is also a great practice that also fosters happiness in the relationship. Appreciate each other often and take time to do it.
3. Chores and Responsibilities
Arguments concerning chores and responsibilities can be injurious to any marriage. One partner may be feeling that they are pulling more weight than the other. If this is not properly discussed, it may lead to unnecessary nagging, and eventually argument.
To avoid this, work towards sharing responsibilities and chores. You can also alternate some of the house chores. One may do the laundry today, while the other person should do it the next time.
One may even hate particular chores such as the washing of dishes and the other hates cleaning the floor. You can decide to split the chores among yourself.
There should be room for discussion especially when one partner has a high expectation or standard.
Talk about what you want and what you are ready to do. Then split the chores that way.
If you feel that you are busy and couldn’t meet up with the demand of the chores, you can as well hire someone to help you out around the house.
4. Control and Dominance
Maintaining a healthy relationship doesn’t come through control and dominance. In some relationships, men love to be in charge and have the final say over every decision that will be made without giving due preference to the woman.
Ideally, no one has absolute control over the relationship, that’s why there should be room for discussion and reasoning together. When all these are not in place, there will be loggerheads.
5. When Making Major Decisions
This is one area that couples argue about a lot. They will have to plan the future together and, manage the available resources, so as to avoid tension.
When both partners have varying ideologies, they will still need to come to a common ground. Couples will have to make decisions all of their lives whether major or minor. Arguing every time a decision is to be made can be frustrating.
Yes, an argument is not altogether wrong. It should just be done healthily and respectfully. Engaging in healthy communication and being patient is also much needed in this area to find a working solution.
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Constant Fighting In A Relationship: The Danger
Fighting in relationships, how much is too much?
An argument in a relationship can start because of differences in taste, opinion, beliefs, personality, or experience. When an argument becomes constant, it is posing some dangers to the relationship.
One major area that is always affected in conflict is communication. Couples no longer delight in themselves anymore and this can be stressful for the relationship.
Conflict is normal when it is healthy and productive; that is when it affords the couple privilege to know each other more and improve on matters. But, when it becomes incessant, it saps the strength and romance that should be enjoyed in the relationship.
A constant disagreement has been shown to harm the relationship, especially the health of couples. Researchers have shown that prolonged argument causes stress which in turn weaken the immune system.
Also, exposure to conflict can make one prone to contagious infections such as cold and flu, some chronic pain such as headache, neck and back pain.
Another danger of constant fighting in a relationship is emotional pain. The popular broken heart syndrome is caused by physical stress and sudden emotional trauma. This has shattered many lives and left many with a high psychological disorder.
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Unhealthy Arguing Techniques To Avoid
Even as conflict is seen as inevitable and a normal part of a relationship, what matters is how you choose to resolve those arguments as they arise.
Employing unhealthy arguing techniques to solve a matter will tear the relationship apart instead of building it. Couples should endeavor to avoid toxic argument styles and learn how to resolve issues amicably.
Observe these following techniques and avoid them to prevent the breaking apart of your relationship.
1. Negative Criticism
Pointing accusing fingers to your spouse or criticizing them is not a healthy argument technique. Doing so may make your partner feel belittled and devalued.
At any slightest provocation, many partners will result to calling their partner different kinds of names, use their weak points to abuse them, and express their anger to the point that they use their words to sting their partner.
2. The Silent Treatment
Sometimes keeping quiet is the best thing to do when an argument is getting heated up. You can decide to take a break to pull yourself together, but this should not be a weapon against your spouse.
Stonewalling, as the silent treatment is generally called, is when two people are involved in a discussion and one person decides to withdraw from the conversation, refuses to participate, or replies to the other person.
At one point, we have given this silent treatment to someone, especially to our loved ones. But, when it has become a habitual response during an argument, it can be destructive. It reduces the self-esteem of your partner and makes them feel rejected.
When the silent treatment is practiced over time, it can eventually ruin the relationship.
If you have what to say during a healthy argument, you can inform your partner to give you some time to think through.
3. Bringing Up Past Issues
Another unhealthy arguing technique is bringing up issues from the past. Tings may turn sour when you decided to bring up something bad that your partner has done in the past during the heat of an argument.
It’s a very wrong approach. Sometimes, people do this to cover up, especially when they know that they are at fault. It is a ‘tool’ to fight back that often leads to an unpleasant situation.
Conflict will become hard to resolve when you are always bringing up past issues. Not only that. Things can get really complicated.
It is good that you let the sleeping dog lie. Resolving the conflict will be easier and more effective when you don’t visit the past.
4. Emotional Blackmail
Another unhealthy arguing technique is emotional blackmail. This takes place when one partner threatens to end the relationship in the middle of an argument to get them to do their wish.
Most partners will succumb out of fear of losing their loved ones. This act has a great effect on the self-esteem of the partner and the relationship
Emotional blackmail makes partners insecure in a relationship. Since they are always being threatened, they may decide to help themselves out, thinking you might eventually carry out your intention.
Emotional blackmail might work against you, therefore endeavor to patiently resolve any pending issue instead of looking for a quick way out.
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Healthy Arguing Techniques To Employ
No matter how satisfied you are with your relationship, there are times that you get into a heated argument. The outcome of such an argument will be a result of knowledge of healthy arguing techniques you have gotten and are ready to engage.
Your attitude in times of argument will determine if it will result in the growth or destruction of your relationship.
As couples, you need to come to terms with this reality and carefully design ways to resolve any issue properly.
1. Take Turns In Communication
Since conflict can not be avoided in a relationship, you must be prepared to manage your emotions at that moment.
In times of argument, there will be this surge within you to pour out your thoughts or anger without considering your partner’s feelings. Show that you care by not talking your partner down or talking them over.
Learn to exercise patience to understand your partner and also wait for your turn to present your case. This is a way to use the argument to the advantage of your relationship.
2. Avoid Yelling At Each Other
In times of anger, it often appears as though if our voices are not raised, the other person would not hear us. And because we want to be heard, by all means, we end up yelling at each other.
One important thing to do is just to allow your partner to talk. When you refuse to take turns while talking, you might both throw caution to the wind and result in full-fledged fighting.
You might find some issues too sensitive (e.g suspected infidelity) for you to calmly talk about. But, you must try, because yelling at each other will do more harm than good.
3. Respectfully Acknowledge Each Other’s Viewpoint
Sometimes, all because you want to prove that you are not wrong, it can be tough to accept your partners’ viewpoint knowing fully well that they are right.
It doesn’t hurt to acknowledge that they are right and we are wrong. You can jokingly tease them about their viewpoint and laugh over it together. What matters is getting the problem solved and moving on.
4. Avoid Name-Calling
In resolving conflict, you are to address the issue and not attack the person.
Name-calling will not help to resolve the issue, it will rather rupture the image of your partner and can ruin the relationship.
Name-calling is both unhealthy and immature. People resort to names calling when they want to be defensive about the matter or when they want to shy away from the reality of the matter they are dealing with.
One of the best things to do when an argument has escalated to names calling is to walk away, separate yourself and revisit the issue later.
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How To Handle Arguments In A Relationship Before It Causes Issues
On several occasions, I’ve received emails on what to do when we always fight but love each other. I believe that, learning how to handle an argument in a relationship before it causes an issue is an answer.
Over time you can tell how your partner reacts to some issue, you will know the type of argument that can lead to tension or a happy ending. You must therefore learn how to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship.
You will always know when an argument is about to go out of hand, except you choose to ignore those signs. Engaging in healthy arguing techniques will help to manage the situation.
Maybe, you have been trying to keep the argument on track or resolve it peacefully but it seems it’s going to escalate. You only need to engage in some game-changer strategies to salvage the situation. You can graciously step back from an argument using the following strategy
1. “Let Me Think About It”
When an argument is getting heated, you may not be able to think straight or give the right response. The best thing to do is to withdraw from the argument and revisit it later more strategically. This will help both parties to avoid unnecessary stress and help you to ruminate on the matter thoroughly without an emotional outburst.
You will be able to analyze your partner’s viewpoint and draw a reasonable conclusion. In the end, you will both give the right judgment or come to a compromise without having to resort to conflict.
2. “You May Be Right”
This is a very powerful statement because it shows your willingness to bend and consider your partner’s viewpoint.
You may not even have to agree with what they said. But you acknowledged their viewpoint as something to consider. That simple action will soften your partner at that moment and the argument will take a positive turn. After all, sometimes, there is a need for compromise in a relationship.
3. “I Understand”
This is a form of empathy words that gives preference to your partner during an argument. Sometimes, it looks like compromise or trying to give in. It doesn’t mean you have agreed to their viewpoint but it allows your partner to express themselves and feel understood. This will change the direction of the argument.
4. “I’m Sorry”
When an argument is being heated up. You can stop and apologize to your partner for the stress you have caused them. And, let them know that you don’t mean to hurt their feelings in any way.
This is a powerful game-changer in a heated argument. But, one person has to take the responsibility to be perceived as wrong though you may not. At that point, you will win the heart of your partner and later revisit the issue.
5. Desire Harmony
Everyone loves a peaceful home, but it does not come by merely wishing for it. Settle it in your mind before you start the journey that you are both going to pursue peace no matter the level of argument. When you both work towards it, one person will always remember in the heat of an argument and call the other party to order.
6. Have a mindset that resolves problems and not win a fight
You will eventually play out what you have in your subconscious at the sight of pressure. Intentionally build the right mindset, that you will not always be right. Always approach every argument with the mind of resolving it and it will leave you and your partner better off.
In conclusion, couples should work at creating a loving environment where everyone can be happy. Couples who always complain that we always fight but we love each other can have a little or zero-conflict relationship. This is attainable when they learn some healthy arguing techniques.
Also, this will help them to handle arguments and conflict with greater grace. More energy will therefore be expended in looking for solutions instead of fighting one another. The few tips learned in this write-up will help to promote romance and reduce constant fighting in a relationship.